an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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