Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
