he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
