You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he fucked my hip out of place.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
