My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
