Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
