Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
