Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
