Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I touched a dick in church today
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
