Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
