He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
