Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
