if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize