How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
