Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
i now understand why vodka
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
