he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
