Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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