In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
This girl is more easily done than said...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
