I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
