Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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