I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
