did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
