so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize