She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
