My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
