Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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