you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
