Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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