Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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