Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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