id be glad to
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
