There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize