It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
i will never coherently bang her
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
This toilet bowl is my home.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
