my shit smells like andre
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
