just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
