did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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