Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
