K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
Randomize
