she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
