I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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