My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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