dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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