i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
