jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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