a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
