So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
