I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
