see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
