3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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