the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
