I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
