i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
