apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
