Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
