my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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