A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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