Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
