Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize