im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
