I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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