hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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