HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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